Breathe on
by Cypri
Summary: Feeling replaced by pretty much everyone around them, Bones decides that Jim no longer needs him. He leaves and it is the realisation that there will somehow always be a 'Bones' by the captain's side that makes him breathe again. (Inspired by 'Breathe Again' by Sara Bareilles; WARNING: tissue content)


_**I blame this OS completely on 'Breathe again' by Sara Bareilles! I was listening to that song god knows why and I remembered the fight between Jim and Scotty in Into Darkness and how - in my opinion - Bones was lacking in screen time, as well as getting one of the worst punches by not being able to see Jim before he temporally dies. So my brain started working on its own and here we are. I have no plan if this counts as good or not but it was flowing from my hand while I was listening to the song and yep, stopping talking now to let you read.**_

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><p><strong>Fate's last breath<strong>

He stood still. His life had so suddenly turned that he sometimes wondered if it all was real or if he was hallucinating from the whiplash he had earned by all what had happened. His eyes trailed over the view in front of him. They were celebrating. Celebrating that they had survived, that their Captain was back under the living and kicking, that Khan had been beaten, that… whatever reason they could think of. The heavy bag right next to him became his anchor to not doing something stupid, a reminder that he still had family by blood, still had responsibilities. A hand found its place on his shoulder, squeezed it.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You know I'd understand if you…" He shook his head. Though the warm lights from the lanterns and the small bonfire were pulling him down there to be with the crew, his crew, he stood still, held himself back. This group of people that only came together and stuck close like that because of one man, a man who had taken first taken the command, then the ship and finally the hearts of everyone. A heart that seemed to have forgotten him and with that had ripped away the only home he had left.

"I'm no longer needed. He has all of them to replace me. If it wasn't for his weekly checkup I wouldn't have seen him anymore at all. I'm better off back home, be there for Jo." The man beside him nodded, no need for words.

Words only hurt, especially when broken.

_'__You're my best friend, Bones. I don't know where I'd be without you. You're the reason I'm still grounded, who always pulls me back when I lose my ground. I need you by my side.' _

These words had turned into something entirely different. The question for his opinion or the silent appreciation of his doubts had turned into a wholeheartedly _'Shut up, Bones, I didn't ask you.'_

That hurt worse than Jocelyn kicking him out. That he had seen coming. This? Getting replaced by the whole senior staff and especially Carol Marcus… it had hit him completely unprepared. But he wasn't the only one shoved aside. Samuel Kirk, who had searched out his brother only weeks after he had joined Starfleet was rejected the same way. Apparently dying made you cut loose ties to your past, too. He had vented on Sam, had send him to hell for leaving him with Frank. That he couldn't look into a traitors face anymore. Now they both had to face their broken relationship towards the one and only James Tiberius Kirk. They still loved him in their ways, but the warm feeling had dulled into a throbbing pain, like still hot ember fighting against the starting rain.

All this time in academy and later on the Enterprise Jim had taken custody of every single second of free time he had have, had become the one only friend he had really needed since his divorce, had turned into so much more than a friend. God, he'd kill even Chekov for only a few minutes of Jim's attention back on him. The damn idiot still held Leonard's heart and didn't even notice it. But after all this time of waiting for Jim, of putting the younger man first, even before his own daughter, he needed to move on for his own good. He needed more than just a stolen moment in a turbo lift or in his office that was never spoken about again. He was searching for something more from Jim, something like the look he had started sporting for Carol Marcus, or the few gestures of friendship towards Spock. But there seemed to be nothing like that for him anymore, if it ever had been there. His breath hitched when he turned around and picked up his bag, Sam starting the car that would take them to Georgia. The feeling of suffocating grew and he just hoped that someday he could breathe freely again or breathe at all, really.

When the car left San Francisco his thoughts replayed every damn thing he could remember of their Academy days. How nearly daily he had patched up Jim, even before they had become roommates. How then the blond had always brought girls over. How one night he had snapped, set Jim's blue skinned bed toy in front of the door, sat his friend down and they had started yelling at each other until the younger had broken and spilled everything that made him such a cocky bastard. Growing up without a father, being left behind with only Sam and Frank, how that turned out after Sam left because he couldn't take the beating anymore. He had told Leonard about crashing his father's car into a canyon, that his mother had send him to Tarsus IV and what surviving that massacre had been. He had cursed his cursed family name and somewhere there Leonard had started talking, opening up to Jim about his own life. He had told the younger about how he had met this guy in college who had died in a car crash, how he had married Jocelyn to put his parents at ease and stop himself from thinking about the man that had died in his arms, bleeding out, not able to save him, his first real love. What in the end meant he was playing for both teams, what led to a first shy kiss and in some very weird kind of relationship. The walls that had protected Bones ever since college had tumbled down and for the first time since what felt like ever he could see just how much he had distanced himself from other people. He had gotten better, had become friends with Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, hell, he had become something like a fatherly figure for Chekov. Even the green blooded hobgoblin had somehow become his friend. At least from his point of view it had looked like it. He sighted, fought the tear back down, he had an image to hold, no matter how broken he felt, how heartbroken he was, even for a spectator's eye like Sam's. He had called his old hospital. They were thrilled to get him back since they were building an extra wing for sick or hurt space travelers and he would become head of it. With shaking hands he had reached in his resignation and asked Jocelyn if she would be okay with him coming back. She was, all her anger gone with the years they had been apart and Joana growing into a stubborn teenager that listened more to her distant father than her mother. Jo was thrilled and he knew she was planning to get her parents back together. But with Jim's shadow, too, hanging over him he doubted that he'd ever love again had the simple act of loving someone become a burden to him, so he left it behind, threw it out of the window in his imagination and celebrated it with a big sip from his flask. Now he had to build on and with the ruins of his past life and hope it would give him a new perspective.

He cursed Jim, again and honestly he had lost count of how many times he had done that, even in Academy and later on the ship, but the amount of times he had done it alone on the first half of their car trip back to Georgia came pretty close to the whole past years since his divorce. Jim had been his savior, the only thing he had ever really wanted after they had met in the shuttle, still wearing civilian clothes. God, he still loved him so much, would probably love him till the very end, until his last breath. What felt like an iron ring around his chest tightened and a single tear slipped him. He had to look forward, hope and forget. He didn't want to be there, didn't want to be so far away from the love of his life, from his home so badly that it started to physically pain him. He yearned for those gentle hands, for a cocky smile, a single word, his name, said with fondness. Another tear slipped the ever so tough doctor and found its way down to his collar, a cold salty reminder to the world that he was in pain. A pain that went so much deeper, had been there ever since he had seen Jim lying there dead in front of him after they had gotten his body out of the reactor. The pain that there hadn't been a last message for him, that no one ever thought about calling him, the fucking best friend. But maybe he hadn't been that for quite some time, even back then. Spock had taken that from him, Dr. Marcus had taken the Captain's heart, Scotty was now there to speak his mind against Jim's, Chekov had taken his part as a surrogate part of family and Sulu would be there to stand up for the blond, while Uhura was having a parental eye on the childish man. There was no need for a 'Bones' anymore, this model outdated, and he didn't know what he was supposed to do now. Live like nothing had happened? Forget? Yeah, that was his plan. Not his best in any way but it was a plan. And yet he still had no idea of what to do. He should probably adopt a dog or something…

His chest hurt even more. What was he thinking or hoping to find back out there? He asked Sam to pull over when he spotted a great sunrise. They both stepped out of the car to watch the golden sun rise, making a light blue sky glowing golden that reminded him so much of this soft hair and these eyes he loved so much. The dry feeling in his mouth made him swallow hard while he thought back to all the good times he had lived through with the younger. His eyes fell shut, a smile creeping on his face and he finally realized what was happening. He called for Sam, his voice low and not panicked but even, peaceful. He had understood that for once fate had thought of the blond man, had given him people to replace a man who no longer would be by his side. So when he couldn't breathe anymore and his legs gave in he was thankful. When his heart finally gave in his last thought was of how much he wanted to breathe again, hoped that he'd meet this man, who still held all his love, in another life, while at the same time he never breathed freer in his whole life.

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><p>So many miles away a certain blond man started bleeding out of his nose, his heart clenching painfully and finally he noticed that someone was missing. Someone he had paid way too less attention to in the last time. The man who had saved him more times than he could cound in more ways than he could think of right now. But Bones wasn't anywhere to be found on or off Academy grounds and when he was about to leave his quarters to ask in the office if someone knew something, his doorbell rang. A smile found its way on his face, expecting Bones to stand there like always. This smile froze in place when he looked straight into Admiral Archer's eyes, the man that had taken over Marcus' place. He looked beaten and his voice was raw when he started speaking. That Bones had handed in his resignation, that he had left San Francisco the night before with his brother, someone he had to apologize, too, for snapping at him when he had still tried to get over the fact that he had been dead. But Archer wasn't finished. There had happened something on their way to Georgia, something…<p>

"Excuse me, can you repeat that?" He swallowed hard, his eyes fixed on Archer as if trying to find a joke, a lie, anything that would tell him this wasn't true but there was no tell.

"Jim, I'm very sorry but Leonard had a heart attack. He died before the paramedics could reach them. I'm so sorry for your loss, son." For the first time since he had been an infant and had grown his teeth he cried. He didn't know how long or how he made it back to his bed. All he knew was that all his friends stopped by after the news became official, but nothing helped and he had to be hallucinating from being dehydrated and in emotional pain but he could feel the other before he drifted off into sleep, feel the soft, warm lips against his temple and hear the whispered words.

_'__Sleep kid, stop giving yourself a headache. Not when I'm not there to make it stop. Just breathe. I'll see you later… I love you, Jim; so, so much.'_

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><p><strong><em>Please don't kill me! *duck* I don't know how and why it turned out like this, still blame it on the song! Please tell me if you liked it or not or what you think could have been better. I'm always open for critics. <em>**


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